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How to Exploit Your Birthday

August 20, 2012

I celebrated my birthday this past weekend! Birthdays are awesome because they’re the one time of year when you can be selfish, egotistical, and unreasonable at the expense of your friends and family. The victims around you cannot pass judgment on you or your behavior. The harshest thing they can say to you is a bitter “I’ll be sure to return the favor on my birthday.”

Acting absurd on your birthday is even superior to making unreasonable demands while planning your wedding. If you have even one temper tantrum in preparation of your special day, you will quickly be branded a “bride-zilla” or “groom-zilla.” Suddenly, every opinion or misgiving you have is met with an eye-roll, chuckle, or simply a knowing look exchanged among your audience.

Birthdays are different. Every year, once a year you have the right to be upset over a myriad of “minor” offenses:

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One of my many victims

    • Bad gifts or no gifts.
    • Calling too late or not calling at all.
    • Forgetting your birthday.
    • Singing the “happy birthday” song.
    • Not singing the “happy birthday” song.

And God forbid your significant other is not the first person to write on your Facebook wall.

Your birthday is the one time of year when you can walk up to complete strangers and demand appreciation. You can interrupt ongoing conversations with “Today is my birthday!” And if the person in front of you in the Customer Service line at Kmart doesn’t immediately turn around, smile and enthusiastically wish that you have the time of your life, then *they’re* the weirdo.

‘What the hell? Why didn’t he wish me happy birthday?’ is a justified thought.

I took full advantage of this phenomenon last weekend, responding to any protests with a simple “It’s my birthday weekend!” As a result, I had a pretty amazing birthday. I had breakfast in bed, a free personal chauffeur, great food, drinks, & lots of laughs.

Even my younger brother cheerfully advising me that I’m just another year closer to 30 couldn’t bring me down.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Dreday315 permalink
    August 20, 2012 7:31 pm

    This is a funny article. You got everything you wanted douche bag:) Everything you stated is correct. I hope you enjoyed your birthday!

  2. elizabethchiu permalink
    August 30, 2012 8:16 pm

    I hope you didn’t actually spend your birthday in the Kmart Customer Service line!

    • August 31, 2012 9:18 am

      ha ha, why not? Isn’t every great birthday celebrated at Kmart?

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