Whenever I set a goal for myself, I become obsessed. I eat, sleep, & drink it. It’s all or nothing for me.
In college when I was prepping myself to tour with the Bellydance Superstars, I spent so much time practicing my hip undulations that I failed Arabic 101. The irony was that I tried to learn the Arabic language in order to understand the lyrics of the music that I shimmied to. It didn’t work out.
When I aspired to be a boxer, I spent three hours a day at the gym. I would have gone home after the first two hours, but my trainers thought I was fat so they made me run on the treadmill. I am overweight but my husband says that I have a nice shape.
Now that I want to be a comedian, I spend every available second of my day reading about how to become a comedian. Everything I read tells me to write. A lot. Write down anything and everything. Words that I find funny. Things that are unusual. Events that are so incredibly mundane that the simple act of writing them down could be considered a joke (like my job maybe?).
This is the reason that I imposed the small goal of writing a mindless ramble every day. Considering the amount of thoughts that I have on a daily basis, it surprises me how difficult this task is. It’s 8:30 PM and I stare down at a blank sheet of paper. My iPad, rather. In a way, I am experiencing writer’s block.
It’s not that I don’t have anything to write about. Oh, there’s plenty, perhaps too much. So much. I’m overwhelmed. Everything hangs on the line with this post. All of my hopes and dreams could be realized, or crushed, in 333 words. Where do I begin? So many ideas… I don’t know what to write about first, so I’ll just keep reading. Just so that I’m doing something.
I am seriously considering killing my Facebook profile. I wrote an awesome post about why Facebook sucks last week. In addition to those reasons, every time I log in to Facebook I get depressed.
I can’t stop seeking unreciprocated revalidation from my so-called “friends.” Whenever I create a hilarious post on RAEZYN, I post the link to my Facebook page, expecting to receive ‘Likes’ and “ha ha, this is funny!” commentary. Consistently, days go by and at best I’ll receive one or two ‘Likes’ and maybe one comment.
I have over 300 Facebook friends. Are you telling me that two people out of 300 actually liked what I wrote?
While conducting research for my “Top Ten Reasons…” post I found several articles that describe the negative effect that Facebook has on your health & self-esteem. My Facebook friends are ridiculously self-centered and it bothers me. With all of the attention floating around on Facebook, there isn’t any available for me.
This was the last straw:
On Friday afternoon, I posted this status update, along with a link to the Kindle Author website:
Kindle Author : Reading :: Funny or Crazy? : Laughing
Get it??? Anyone? Anyone? …Bueller?
I found this post awesome for the following reasons:
Now here it is Sunday, two days later, and no one has liked or commented on it. 300 friends, 0 friends amused.
Why do I even bother?
I was initially inspired to write “Top Ten Reasons…” to passive-aggressively tell my Facebook friends that they were annoying and should stop sucking at life. Then I realized that since everyone has blocked me from their newsfeed, they probably wouldn’t get the message anyway.
So the best solution is probably just to abandon Facebook altogether.
Here is why today should be your last day on Facebook.
10. Culinary Artwork
“Just finished cooking and it looks delicious!”
Is this an invite to partake?
…Then why am I looking at it?!?
I cannot tolerate being forced to view my Facebook friends’ photos of home cooked food. Some days, browsing on Facebook is like being stuck at an awkward potluck lunch. On other days, I feel like I’m standing outside the club & I can’t get past the velvet rope. I don’t understand why would-be chefs insist on filling up my news feed with documentation of their dinner.
9. Photos of Fido
Only slightly less annoying are the ongoing photo streams of dogs. Yes, I understand that for some people, pets are replacements for children. No, I do not want to see them.
They say that no parent thinks that their own baby is ugly. This applies to pets as well.
8. Intense Emotion
Everyone has at least one over-the-top friend who posts on Facebook in lieu of attending a much-needed session with their therapist. Is it just me, or is it unsettling to constantly read status updates that declare:
“If this puppy yips at me again, I’m going to punt the damn chihuahua over the fence!!!”
“Unbelievable!!! I loathe bad customer service!”
And what about the people who “like” these statuses? What message are they trying to communicate?
“Yeah, it’d probably be a good idea if you just go ahead and kill yourself. And the dog.
Hint: Click through to your unstable friend’s profile and click that big ol’ Unfriend button.
7. Confrontational Political Posts
You shouldn’t discuss politics with friends. Or Facebook. Yet, we are constantly victimized by:
*Exaggerated Eye Roll* I love clicking through these posts to read the articles. Right before I report them as spam.
In recent months, Facebook users have become so deluded that any picture with words on it is automatically funny. The bar for comedy has dropped so low, it’s embarrassing.
Creepy little girl + burning building = funny?
I’m confused, and a little horrified.
5. Recycled Wisdom
The Facebook world has become so comatose that lazy people no longer type out quotes. These days, they post photographs of quotes that someone else created.
4. Pictures of Baby
Your New Mom friend won’t stop posting pictures of Baby.
Baby’s first bath. Baby’s first tooth. Baby sleeping. Look at how cute, how adorable, so sweet. Mommy’s precious dearest little baby. What an angel. Daddy and Baby. Neighbor and Baby. The mailman and Baby. And worst of all, Baby in the Womb.
Disastrously, Facebook has replaced the family photo album.
Save your friendship by installing Unbaby.me, which will remove babies from your newsfeed and replace them with stuff you actually want to see.
3. Everyone can see All of Your Pictures
If someone tags themselves in your photo, then all of *their* Facebook friends can see it.
Consider this: You upload a picture to Facebook. Your coworker friend tags herself in the picture. Facebook posts the picture on your friend’s profile. Your coworker friend happens to be Facebook friends with your boss. Now your boss is looking at a photo of you passed out in a stairwell from the night before you called in “sick” to work.
Protect Yourself. Turn on “Tag Review” under Timeline and Tagging in your Privacy Settings, so that you will at least be aware when your posts are being shared.
Most people agree: Facebook’s “force everyone to convert to Timeline in phases” campaign is not a good thing. Every day, millions of beloved Facebook profiles become casualties as they are hijacked by Timeline. Is there anyone out there who *does not* believe that this is the worst “improvement” yet?
Somebody please figure out how to undo Timeline.
1. It’s Impossible to Delete your Facebook Profile
Leaving Facebook is like quitting smoking. It is a tricky process that is not for the faint of heart. You must beat Facebook at its own game.
If you merely “deactivate” your Facebook account, you will still show up on your friends’ Friends Lists. In the event that you “reactivate” your account, your profile, friends, pictures, status updates, and everything else that you tried to forget will magically reappear. Just like nothing happened.
How to Escape: You can permanently delete your account here. Read the scary warning message and click “Delete My Account.” Do not log in for 14 days. Ignore that sexy button that taunts you on every webpage across the Internet. For 14 days, do not succumb to even one moment of weakness.
If you succeed, you will be ~free~. Good luck and Godspeed.
I’m too hot to be funny. This has brought me great distress as an aspiring comedian.
Some of the funniest humor is self-deprecating. If you want people to laugh, make fun of yourself. People find it hilarious when you bond with them over the mean things that they’re thinking about you.
I recently learned that comedy is truth and pain. If you were born with a big forehead or creepily small hands, all you have to do is talk about how much of a freak you are. Then your audience will stop staring at you and start laughing at (with?) you.
Unfortunately, I was not born with free comedic material. My complementary genes, good health and reasonable fashion sense will always put me at a disadvantage. It’s just not fair. My good looks don’t cause me pain in life, but they are a huge handicap on stage.
Nobody wants to laugh at the hot girl. Picture this: a 5’3″ tall man walks on stage and asks to have his mike lowered. Hilarious. Look at how comically short he is.
Now picture this: A gorgeous 5’3″ woman walks on stage and asks to have her mike lowered. People get annoyed. Women think, “I can’t believe she’s not wearing heels!”
Another example: an obviously overweight woman walks onstage and asks a guy in the front row if he’s going to eat that last cookie. Mean laughter ensues. I walk on stage and ask the same question. Awkward silence. Judgment. Maybe a “boo” or two.
Why do people find such entertainment in others’ pain? Maybe I could complain that I get hit on too often. Is that funny?
As a newlywed, I have spent the last year trying to housetrain my husband. Men think differently than women do. You’ve heard this before, but you don’t fully know this until you live with a man. I’m still in the experimentation phase with my husband, but I want to pass along some of what I have figured out so far to those less experienced wives out there on the brink of desperation.
Your husband will always have your best interests at heart, and he will try to make you happy, but sometimes he will forget the things you asked him to do or he just will not understand the things that annoy you. This is where training is needed.
You cannot train by nagging, yelling, crying, or withholding sex. These methods foster more resentment and frustration *for you* than understanding *for him.*
Some people will tell you that using positive reinforcement is the best way to train a man. I say, eh… doesn’t he have to do something right first in order for this method to work? I do not have time to sit around and wait for the moment when I can applaud my husband for wiping the crumbs off of the kitchen counter after he makes himself a sandwich. It is not going to happen.
One husband training technique that does work is posting signs around the house.
If your husband doesn’t understand what to do with his clothes after he wears them, put this sign on the laundry basket:
…And put this sign everywhere else:
Here’s a lifesaver for the living room, especially if you’re entertaining guests:
Are you tired of finding the TV remote in the refrigerator? Go ahead and post this sign in the kitchen where he can see it:
You may be thinking, ‘I don’t have enough time to make a bunch of specific signs!” If your husband is completely clueless, here is a versatile option that will apply to a myriad of situations:
Or, if you get really frustrated, this should *hopefully* get your message across:
I celebrated my birthday this past weekend! Birthdays are awesome because they’re the one time of year when you can be selfish, egotistical, and unreasonable at the expense of your friends and family. The victims around you cannot pass judgment on you or your behavior. The harshest thing they can say to you is a bitter “I’ll be sure to return the favor on my birthday.”
Acting absurd on your birthday is even superior to making unreasonable demands while planning your wedding. If you have even one temper tantrum in preparation of your special day, you will quickly be branded a “bride-zilla” or “groom-zilla.” Suddenly, every opinion or misgiving you have is met with an eye-roll, chuckle, or simply a knowing look exchanged among your audience.
Birthdays are different. Every year, once a year you have the right to be upset over a myriad of “minor” offenses:
Bad gifts or no gifts.
Calling too late or not calling at all.
Forgetting your birthday.
Singing the “happy birthday” song.
Not singing the “happy birthday” song.
And God forbid your significant other is not the first person to write on your Facebook wall.
Your birthday is the one time of year when you can walk up to complete strangers and demand appreciation. You can interrupt ongoing conversations with “Today is my birthday!” And if the person in front of you in the Customer Service line at Kmart doesn’t immediately turn around, smile and enthusiastically wish that you have the time of your life, then *they’re* the weirdo.
‘What the hell? Why didn’t he wish me happy birthday?’ is a justified thought.
I took full advantage of this phenomenon last weekend, responding to any protests with a simple “It’s my birthday weekend!” As a result, I had a pretty amazing birthday. I had breakfast in bed, a free personal chauffeur, great food, drinks, & lots of laughs.
Even my younger brother cheerfully advising me that I’m just another year closer to 30 couldn’t bring me down.
Paying bills sucks! So I stopped paying them. Now I have more money to buy wine.
I used to go through the daily ritual of opening mail and throwing it down in disappointment upon learning that So-and-So wants $$$ by XX Date. Now I just drop everything in the shredder. The grinding sound of a bill collector’s dreams going up in smoke is liberating.
Contrary to popular belief, the world doesn’t end when you don’t pay your bills. I stamped my unopened power bill “Return to Sender” and nothing bad happened. Now instead of using those hot ceiling lamps at night, I light a candle. It’s a cool tribute to the middle ages.
Before, I would have to wait for my ice cream to reach that perfect half melted stage before I ate it because the coldness was a shock to my sensitive teeth. Now when I open the freezer, my ice cream is at the perfect temperature.
Television used to be such a distraction, especially during football season. Now that we no longer have cable, my husband has no choice but to talk to me.
Student loans, shmudent loans. If the Gov’ment wanted that money back they’d have given me a higher paying job. Sheeit.
I am still paying rent, but only because I enjoy living in a house. But if someone let me move in with them I’d tell my landlord to kiss my ass too.
So to all those Suckas out there still giving your money away for no apparent reason: Stop paying your bills.