I’m Running Away!

This is the longest workday eveeeer!  I’m ready to run away.  I packed up all my stuff.

Every time I get ready to make a break for it, my boss walks by.  She doesn’t say anything – but there she is again.  She must have a sixth sense for potential escapees or something.

Men’s Health

8 hours is so long!  It’s not fair.  Being a grown-up sucks.  Who invented the 40-hour work week?

Work would not be as painful if we had recess.  Why don’t we have recess?  Now our only options for freedom during the day are to either take extended bathroom breaks or develop a smoking habit.  Neither of which are much fun.  Has anyone ever really enjoyed bowel issues or lung cancer?

Plus, your coworkers will inevitably notice your extended absences from your desk.

If you try to cheat by taking extended lunches, you will have to stay in the office longer to make up for it.  Took an hour and a half for lunch?  Tack that extra 30 minutes onto the end of your workday.  Otherwise, expect to see that money gone from your paycheck.

This is so bogus!  Back in the day, if you “got lost” on the way back to the classroom from the school cafeteria, you didn’t have to stay a proportionate amount of extra time after class.  Teachers did not care if you missed class.

Why is the office norm sitting at your desk pretending to work?  Normal behavior should be skipping down the hallway singing.  Recess for grown-ups.

WHY NOT?

Sometimes, I ponder whether I’m allergic to work.  I tend to develop headaches and become irritable in the afternoon, probably because I don’t get paid naptime.  Wtf??

If corporations modeled office rules after kindergarten classrooms, employees would be a lot happier.  We’d get recess, naptime, playtime, milk & cookies, songs, occasional learning and friendships!  Yay!  What could be better?

To my fellow office sufferers:

Is it suspect if I post a standard “Out of Office” message on my email just in case I make it out of here?  I wouldn’t say anything too obvious, just something like:

Is this okay?

I’m Not Dead

Wow, those two weeks went by quickly!  I haven’t had time to do much of anything lately.  Between working full-time and yelling at my husband, who has time to write?

I’m kidding.  The real reason that I haven’t posted anything is because it’s hard to write a coherent blog post when you’re drunk.  I decided to stay sober today in an effort to reassure the Internet that Raezyn has not disappeared.  Is anyone actually tracking these things? You can call off the search party.

I haven’t even had time to read other people’s blogs.  There are a few funny writers that I have completely fallen out of touch with.  It is a shame.  Not only am I isolated in real life, I am isolated on the World Wide Web.  But today, I have returned to entertain you, Internet.  Hopefully my friends will call me back so I can go out and do something fun afterwards.  I’m kidding again.  I don’t have friends.

This morning I woke up to a half-full glass of Merlot and an open box of Milk Duds.  Leftovers from my wild and crazy Friday night.  So I had Milk Duds and wine for breakfast.  Given that I was still kind of drunk from staying up drinking until 3 AM, those last sips of wine were all the alcohol I needed to pass out and sleep some more.  I’m not an alcoholic.

I woke up at 2:30 PM with a sugar high.  Go figure.  After scolding my husband for exhibiting man-like behavior, I remembered that I had abandoned my glorious blog.  So, I made myself some coffee and powered up the ol’ laptop.  After surfing the Internet for a couple of hours, I started writing.  I hope this post is satisfactory, because it’s all you’re going to get today, Internet.

I’ve got to start getting ready to hit the bumpin’ comedy scene in D.C.  I don’t have time to edit this post and add pictures and what not.  Do I seem moody?  I feel moody.  I’m a little moody today.  I’m not sure why.

Hmm.

Notes After Dark

In my desperate efforts to put together a stand-up comedy routine, I have been carrying around a notebook to record every funny idea that I have. I write down everything that even remotely strikes me as amusing. At bedtime, my notebook and pen lie within arm’s reach. This is a brilliant strategy because I am most creative late at night, in between dreams.

One evening, I wrote:

Unexpected diarrhea is the best diarrhea.

Followed by:

But that’s the worst, when you look like your act.

I remember writing those comments down. I remember laughing about them. I don’t recall why. If only I’d had the presence of mind to clarify the joke. It’s been a week since I wrote them and I’m still perplexed. Trying to piece together the context of these statements is fun. Over time, I’ll hone my skills to figure out what they mean. If I ever have to solve a crime committed by my evil alter ego, I’ll be ready.

My last note of the night was:

I’m still more sober than some of you have been in years.

This tells me one thing. I am an unnecessarily mean person late at night. First of all, who am I berating here? I must have dreamt that I was an AA group leader and I showed up drunk to the meeting. This is the only scenario that makes sense to me.

If this is the case, then why did I only write that one line? I’m still more sober than some of you have been in years. Brutal. Once I start performing at open mics, I’ll have to convince the bookers to put me on stage early. After a certain time of night, I become inexplicably hateful.

Overwhelmed Maybe?

Whenever I set a goal for myself, I become obsessed. I eat, sleep, & drink it. It’s all or nothing for me.

In college when I was prepping myself to tour with the Bellydance Superstars, I spent so much time practicing my hip undulations that I failed Arabic 101. The irony was that I tried to learn the Arabic language in order to understand the lyrics of the music that I shimmied to. It didn’t work out.

When I aspired to be a boxer, I spent three hours a day at the gym. I would have gone home after the first two hours, but my trainers thought I was fat so they made me run on the treadmill. I am overweight but my husband says that I have a nice shape.

Now that I want to be a comedian, I spend every available second of my day reading about how to become a comedian. Everything I read tells me to write. A lot. Write down anything and everything. Words that I find funny. Things that are unusual. Events that are so incredibly mundane that the simple act of writing them down could be considered a joke (like my job maybe?).

This is the reason that I imposed the small goal of writing a mindless ramble every day. Considering the amount of thoughts that I have on a daily basis, it surprises me how difficult this task is. It’s 8:30 PM and I stare down at a blank sheet of paper. My iPad, rather. In a way, I am experiencing writer’s block.

It’s not that I don’t have anything to write about. Oh, there’s plenty, perhaps too much. So much. I’m overwhelmed. Everything hangs on the line with this post. All of my hopes and dreams could be realized, or crushed, in 333 words. Where do I begin? So many ideas… I don’t know what to write about first, so I’ll just keep reading. Just so that I’m doing something.

But who ever became famous by reading?

I’m going to quit Facebook.

I am seriously considering killing my Facebook profile. I wrote an awesome post about why Facebook sucks last week. In addition to those reasons, every time I log in to Facebook I get depressed.

I can’t stop seeking unreciprocated revalidation from my so-called “friends.” Whenever I create a hilarious post on RAEZYN, I post the link to my Facebook page, expecting to receive ‘Likes’ and “ha ha, this is funny!” commentary. Consistently, days go by and at best I’ll receive one or two ‘Likes’ and maybe one comment.

I have over 300 Facebook friends. Are you telling me that two people out of 300 actually liked what I wrote?

While conducting research for my “Top Ten Reasons…” post I found several articles that describe the negative effect that Facebook has on your health & self-esteem. My Facebook friends are ridiculously self-centered and it bothers me. With all of the attention floating around on Facebook, there isn’t any available for me.

This was the last straw:

On Friday afternoon, I posted this status update, along with a link to the Kindle Author website:

Kindle Author : Reading :: Funny or Crazy? : Laughing
Get it??? Anyone? Anyone? …Bueller?

I found this post awesome for the following reasons:

1. I made a good recommendation,

2. I shamelessly plugged my own blog,

3. I used an SAT Analogy question format,

4. And I referenced one of the greatest films of the 80’s

5. All in one short & sweet update

6. On a Friday afternoon.

Now here it is Sunday, two days later, and no one has liked or commented on it. 300 friends, 0 friends amused.

Why do I even bother?

I was initially inspired to write “Top Ten Reasons…” to passive-aggressively tell my Facebook friends that they were annoying and should stop sucking at life. Then I realized that since everyone has blocked me from their newsfeed, they probably wouldn’t get the message anyway.

So the best solution is probably just to abandon Facebook altogether.

Top 10 Reasons to Delete Your Facebook Account

Here is why today should be your last day on Facebook.

10. Culinary Artwork

“Just finished cooking and it looks delicious!”

Brooklyn Cafe

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Is this an invite to partake?

No?

…Then why am I looking at it?!?

I cannot tolerate being forced to view my Facebook friends’ photos of home cooked food. Some days, browsing on Facebook is like being stuck at an awkward potluck lunch. On other days, I feel like I’m standing outside the club & I can’t get past the velvet rope. I don’t understand why would-be chefs insist on filling up my news feed with documentation of their dinner.

9. Photos of Fido

Only slightly less annoying are the ongoing photo streams of dogs. Yes, I understand that for some people, pets are replacements for children. No, I do not want to see them.

They say that no parent thinks that their own baby is ugly. This applies to pets as well.

8. Intense Emotion

Everyone has at least one over-the-top friend who posts on Facebook in lieu of attending a much-needed session with their therapist. Is it just me, or is it unsettling to constantly read status updates that declare:

“If this puppy yips at me again, I’m going to punt the damn chihuahua over the fence!!!”

Or

“Unbelievable!!! I loathe bad customer service!”

Hyperbole and a Half

;

And what about the people who “like” these statuses? What message are they trying to communicate?

“Yeah, it’d probably be a good idea if you just go ahead and kill yourself. And the dog.

Hint: Click through to your unstable friend’s profile and click that big ol’ Unfriend button.

7. Confrontational Political Posts

You shouldn’t discuss politics with friends. Or Facebook. Yet, we are constantly victimized by:

ZDNet

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*Exaggerated Eye Roll* I love clicking through these posts to read the articles. Right before I report them as spam.

6. Excessive Reposts of Internet Memes

In recent months, Facebook users have become so deluded that any picture with words on it is automatically funny. The bar for comedy has dropped so low, it’s embarrassing.

Funny Q&A

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Creepy little girl + burning building = funny?

I’m confused, and a little horrified.

5. Recycled Wisdom

The Facebook world has become so comatose that lazy people no longer type out quotes. These days, they post photographs of quotes that someone else created.

I hope you feel motivated.

;

4. Pictures of Baby

Your New Mom friend won’t stop posting pictures of Baby.

UPROXX

;

Baby’s first bath. Baby’s first tooth. Baby sleeping. Look at how cute, how adorable, so sweet. Mommy’s precious dearest little baby. What an angel. Daddy and Baby. Neighbor and Baby. The mailman and Baby. And worst of all, Baby in the Womb.

Disastrously, Facebook has replaced the family photo album.

Buzz Patrol

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Save your friendship by installing Unbaby.me, which will remove babies from your newsfeed and replace them with stuff you actually want to see.

3. Everyone can see All of Your Pictures

If someone tags themselves in your photo, then all of *their* Facebook friends can see it.

Consider this: You upload a picture to Facebook. Your coworker friend tags herself in the picture. Facebook posts the picture on your friend’s profile. Your coworker friend happens to be Facebook friends with your boss. Now your boss is looking at a photo of you passed out in a stairwell from the night before you called in “sick” to work.

We Heart It

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Protect Yourself. Turn on “Tag Review” under Timeline and Tagging in your Privacy Settings, so that you will at least be aware when your posts are being shared.

2. TIMELINE

Most people agree: Facebook’s “force everyone to convert to Timeline in phases” campaign is not a good thing. Every day, millions of beloved Facebook profiles become casualties as they are hijacked by Timeline. Is there anyone out there who *does not* believe that this is the worst “improvement” yet?

Somebody please figure out how to undo Timeline.

1. It’s Impossible to Delete your Facebook Profile

Leaving Facebook is like quitting smoking. It is a tricky process that is not for the faint of heart. You must beat Facebook at its own game.

If you merely “deactivate” your Facebook account, you will still show up on your friends’ Friends Lists. In the event that you “reactivate” your account, your profile, friends, pictures, status updates, and everything else that you tried to forget will magically reappear. Just like nothing happened.

How to Escape: You can permanently delete your account here. Read the scary warning message and click “Delete My Account.” Do not log in for 14 days. Ignore that sexy button that taunts you on every webpage across the Internet. For 14 days, do not succumb to even one moment of weakness.

If you succeed, you will be ~free~. Good luck and Godspeed.