I’m going to quit Facebook.

I am seriously considering killing my Facebook profile. I wrote an awesome post about why Facebook sucks last week. In addition to those reasons, every time I log in to Facebook I get depressed.

I can’t stop seeking unreciprocated revalidation from my so-called “friends.” Whenever I create a hilarious post on RAEZYN, I post the link to my Facebook page, expecting to receive ‘Likes’ and “ha ha, this is funny!” commentary. Consistently, days go by and at best I’ll receive one or two ‘Likes’ and maybe one comment.

I have over 300 Facebook friends. Are you telling me that two people out of 300 actually liked what I wrote?

While conducting research for my “Top Ten Reasons…” post I found several articles that describe the negative effect that Facebook has on your health & self-esteem. My Facebook friends are ridiculously self-centered and it bothers me. With all of the attention floating around on Facebook, there isn’t any available for me.

This was the last straw:

On Friday afternoon, I posted this status update, along with a link to the Kindle Author website:

Kindle Author : Reading :: Funny or Crazy? : Laughing
Get it??? Anyone? Anyone? …Bueller?

I found this post awesome for the following reasons:

1. I made a good recommendation,

2. I shamelessly plugged my own blog,

3. I used an SAT Analogy question format,

4. And I referenced one of the greatest films of the 80’s

5. All in one short & sweet update

6. On a Friday afternoon.

Now here it is Sunday, two days later, and no one has liked or commented on it. 300 friends, 0 friends amused.

Why do I even bother?

I was initially inspired to write “Top Ten Reasons…” to passive-aggressively tell my Facebook friends that they were annoying and should stop sucking at life. Then I realized that since everyone has blocked me from their newsfeed, they probably wouldn’t get the message anyway.

So the best solution is probably just to abandon Facebook altogether.

Top 10 Reasons to Delete Your Facebook Account

Here is why today should be your last day on Facebook.

10. Culinary Artwork

“Just finished cooking and it looks delicious!”

Brooklyn Cafe

;

Is this an invite to partake?

No?

…Then why am I looking at it?!?

I cannot tolerate being forced to view my Facebook friends’ photos of home cooked food. Some days, browsing on Facebook is like being stuck at an awkward potluck lunch. On other days, I feel like I’m standing outside the club & I can’t get past the velvet rope. I don’t understand why would-be chefs insist on filling up my news feed with documentation of their dinner.

9. Photos of Fido

Only slightly less annoying are the ongoing photo streams of dogs. Yes, I understand that for some people, pets are replacements for children. No, I do not want to see them.

They say that no parent thinks that their own baby is ugly. This applies to pets as well.

8. Intense Emotion

Everyone has at least one over-the-top friend who posts on Facebook in lieu of attending a much-needed session with their therapist. Is it just me, or is it unsettling to constantly read status updates that declare:

“If this puppy yips at me again, I’m going to punt the damn chihuahua over the fence!!!”

Or

“Unbelievable!!! I loathe bad customer service!”

Hyperbole and a Half

;

And what about the people who “like” these statuses? What message are they trying to communicate?

“Yeah, it’d probably be a good idea if you just go ahead and kill yourself. And the dog.

Hint: Click through to your unstable friend’s profile and click that big ol’ Unfriend button.

7. Confrontational Political Posts

You shouldn’t discuss politics with friends. Or Facebook. Yet, we are constantly victimized by:

ZDNet

;

*Exaggerated Eye Roll* I love clicking through these posts to read the articles. Right before I report them as spam.

6. Excessive Reposts of Internet Memes

In recent months, Facebook users have become so deluded that any picture with words on it is automatically funny. The bar for comedy has dropped so low, it’s embarrassing.

Funny Q&A

;

Creepy little girl + burning building = funny?

I’m confused, and a little horrified.

5. Recycled Wisdom

The Facebook world has become so comatose that lazy people no longer type out quotes. These days, they post photographs of quotes that someone else created.

I hope you feel motivated.

;

4. Pictures of Baby

Your New Mom friend won’t stop posting pictures of Baby.

UPROXX

;

Baby’s first bath. Baby’s first tooth. Baby sleeping. Look at how cute, how adorable, so sweet. Mommy’s precious dearest little baby. What an angel. Daddy and Baby. Neighbor and Baby. The mailman and Baby. And worst of all, Baby in the Womb.

Disastrously, Facebook has replaced the family photo album.

Buzz Patrol

;

Save your friendship by installing Unbaby.me, which will remove babies from your newsfeed and replace them with stuff you actually want to see.

3. Everyone can see All of Your Pictures

If someone tags themselves in your photo, then all of *their* Facebook friends can see it.

Consider this: You upload a picture to Facebook. Your coworker friend tags herself in the picture. Facebook posts the picture on your friend’s profile. Your coworker friend happens to be Facebook friends with your boss. Now your boss is looking at a photo of you passed out in a stairwell from the night before you called in “sick” to work.

We Heart It

;

Protect Yourself. Turn on “Tag Review” under Timeline and Tagging in your Privacy Settings, so that you will at least be aware when your posts are being shared.

2. TIMELINE

Most people agree: Facebook’s “force everyone to convert to Timeline in phases” campaign is not a good thing. Every day, millions of beloved Facebook profiles become casualties as they are hijacked by Timeline. Is there anyone out there who *does not* believe that this is the worst “improvement” yet?

Somebody please figure out how to undo Timeline.

1. It’s Impossible to Delete your Facebook Profile

Leaving Facebook is like quitting smoking. It is a tricky process that is not for the faint of heart. You must beat Facebook at its own game.

If you merely “deactivate” your Facebook account, you will still show up on your friends’ Friends Lists. In the event that you “reactivate” your account, your profile, friends, pictures, status updates, and everything else that you tried to forget will magically reappear. Just like nothing happened.

How to Escape: You can permanently delete your account here. Read the scary warning message and click “Delete My Account.” Do not log in for 14 days. Ignore that sexy button that taunts you on every webpage across the Internet. For 14 days, do not succumb to even one moment of weakness.

If you succeed, you will be ~free~. Good luck and Godspeed.

Husband Training 101

As a newlywed, I have spent the last year trying to housetrain my husband.  Men think differently than women do.  You’ve heard this before, but you don’t fully know this until you live with a man.  I’m still in the experimentation phase with my husband, but I want to pass along some of what I have figured out so far to those less experienced wives out there on the brink of desperation.

Your husband will always have your best interests at heart, and he will try to make you happy, but sometimes he will forget the things you asked him to do or he just will not understand the things that annoy you.  This is where training is needed.

You cannot train by nagging, yelling, crying, or withholding sex.  These methods foster more resentment and frustration *for you* than understanding *for him.*

Some people will tell you that using positive reinforcement is the best way to train a man.  I say, eh… doesn’t he have to do something right first in order for this method to work?  I do not have time to sit around and wait for the moment when I can applaud my husband for wiping the crumbs off of the kitchen counter after he makes himself a sandwich.  It is not going to happen.

One husband training technique that does work is posting signs around the house.

For Example:

Cleanliness

If your husband doesn’t understand what to do with his clothes after he wears them, put this sign on the laundry basket:

…And put this sign everywhere else:

Etiquette

Here’s a lifesaver for the living room, especially if you’re entertaining guests:

Organization

Are you tired of finding the TV remote in the refrigerator?  Go ahead and post this sign in the kitchen where he can see it:

Everything Else

You may be thinking, ‘I don’t have enough time to make a bunch of specific signs!”  If your husband is completely clueless, here is a versatile option that will apply to a myriad of situations:

Or, if you get really frustrated, this should *hopefully* get your message across:

Disclaimer: Results may vary.


A Gift of Love from My Husband

My husband left me a present. No, not flowers. Not chocolates. Better.

I came home from work and noticed that he had left some closed tupperware containers in the sink. I decided to wash the dishes so I could make some dinner.

When I opened the tupperware, I was completely overtaken by frightening fumes. A horrible stench.

Something had died in these containers.

Upon further inspection, I noticed that the mashed potato residue inside one container was green. The other container appeared to have once held spaghetti but it was now filled with white. fuzzy. mold.

Shocked and horrified, I fled the kitchen and called my husband. “What was in these dishes?” “Where did they come from?” “How long have you had them??” “Why???”

He found them in a lunch box in his office. Who knows how long they had been there.

I was so traumatized that I forgot to make dinner.

And that is my justification for this:

Furby!

Hasbro has decided to re-release Furby. You know Furby, the hamster/owl robot electronic toy that spoke gibberish in the late 90’s.

“Kah ay-ay oo-nye” = Me see you! ;

Walmart

Furby is a good idea in concept. I remember how excited I was to receive a Furby. Then it started waking me up in the middle of the night with an ominous “Furby like you!”

I couldn’t turn Furby off. Couldn’t turn down the volume. Furby knew when I entered the room. Furby knew when I left. Furby was not a toy. Furby was watching me.

And. Now. Furby. Is. Back.

Image Credit: Hasbro

The toy that every kid in the 90’s wanted and later regretted. It is back in all its talking, watching, eating, annoying glory.

From the Walmart website:

“With a mind of its own, your new Hasbro FURBY will develop its personality based on how you play with it. It will dance to your favorite songs. Put it in a room with a few of its friends and they’ll interact with each other in all sorts of hilarious ways while speaking either English or the special FURBY language, FURBISH.”

Oh no.

The Purple 2012 Furby is kind of cute. But there’s no “OFF” switch.

Why is there no “OFF” switch.

Did You Need Something?

If you want me to do something for you, only ask me once.

Do not call me, leave a voicemail, email me, and text me.  Do not send me an IM letting me know that you’re about to send me an email.  Don’t send me a text message asking if I listened to your voicemail.

Speaking of voicemail, don’t leave me a voicemail with the message “Hey, give me a call when you get a chance.”  I’m not going to call you back.  If I wanted to talk to you, I would have answered the phone when you called me.

Don’t call me several times over the course of a day and not leave me a message.  Clearly, I am screening your calls to determine whether or not taking your call will be a waste of my time.  State your purpose, and be brief with it.

It’s a surprisingly little known fact about Leos that the more you want us to do something, the less inclined we are to acquiesce to your request.

Yes, I am a Leo.