I hit Publish!! After a solid 14 day absence, I finally posted on RAEZYN again. I didn’t stop writing for those two weeks, I kept pumping out jokoids. Regardless, yesterday I wrote a thrilling account of my first time on stage!
As everyone is aware by now, I am new to stand-up comedy. I need guidance: How to write jokes, how to structure a set, and how to avoid fainting on stage. So last weekend, I attended a stand-up comedy seminar taught by comedian Joe Matarese. It was well worth driving 2 hours one-way to Baltimore MD.
I met some local comedians that were not only funny, but supportive as well. I had some time on stage during which I was *supposed* to perform my act (read what actually happened). Instead of rolling their eyes at the newbie from Virginia, the comics gave me some helpful suggestions on how to develop my act and they even laughed at some of my jokes!
In order to become successful, you need the support of your peers. And as it turns out, comics are willing to support each other because they’ve all started at the beginning. Experienced comedians know that they wouldn’t be where they are in their careers without the encouragement of supporters. Therefore, this group of funny Baltimore comedians welcomed me, the confused beginner from Virginia.
On Saturday evening, I dragged my husband along with me to watch Joe Matarese headline at Magooby’s Joke House. Paul Spratt had the guest spot and Ayanna Dookie was the feature. Together, they reaffirmed the fact that I love comedy.
My life changed last weekend! I attended a Stand-Up Comedy Seminar and my 12 classmates were privileged to behold my premier stand-up comedy performance.
The seminar was taught by comedian Joe Matarese. When he called my name, I jumped up and pranced to the center of the stage. I looked up at the microphone, looming in the stand a foot above my head.
After a moment’s consideration, I grabbed the mic and squinted through the spotlight to see the hazy outlines of my classmates.
I explained my desire to perform comedy because I hate my job.
I shared my enthusiasm for attending BrickCon and my appreciation for all things LEGO.
I painfully recalled how my dreams of fighting professionally were crushed the day I was beat up by a competitive boxer.
Overly specific details flew out of my mouth and were broadcast throughout the club at alarming speed. As it turns out, I reveal embarrassing information about myself whenever I am on a stage with a microphone in my hand and a spotlight in my face.
It was the smoothest set of my career. Coincidentally, it was the awkwardest, shortest, longest, suspect, winningest, most boring, roughest, intriguing, hostile, best, worst, funniest set as well.
Perhaps in addition to my notebook, I should carry a microphone and flashlight around with me at all times. I would probably earn a friend or two with my newly discovered ability to entertain on demand. Then I could write jokes about the experience.
I may have perceived those five minutes on stage differently than anyone else in the room did. Regardless, the experience taught me that the stage is not a scary place. The mic, the cord, the lights; they are all harmless. The audience is more terrifying than the stage could ever be.
In my desperate efforts to put together a stand-up comedy routine, I have been carrying around a notebook to record every funny idea that I have. I write down everything that even remotely strikes me as amusing. At bedtime, my notebook and pen lie within arm’s reach. This is a brilliant strategy because I am most creative late at night, in between dreams.
One evening, I wrote:
“Unexpected diarrhea is the best diarrhea.“
Followed by:
“But that’s the worst, when you look like your act.“
I remember writing those comments down. I remember laughing about them. I don’t recall why. If only I’d had the presence of mind to clarify the joke. It’s been a week since I wrote them and I’m still perplexed. Trying to piece together the context of these statements is fun. Over time, I’ll hone my skills to figure out what they mean. If I ever have to solve a crime committed by my evil alter ego, I’ll be ready.
My last note of the night was:
“I’m still more sober than some of you have been in years.”
This tells me one thing. I am an unnecessarily mean person late at night. First of all, who am I berating here? I must have dreamt that I was an AA group leader and I showed up drunk to the meeting. This is the only scenario that makes sense to me.
If this is the case, then why did I only write that one line? I’m still more sober than some of you have been in years. Brutal. Once I start performing at open mics, I’ll have to convince the bookers to put me on stage early. After a certain time of night, I become inexplicably hateful.
I cannot tolerate being forced to view my Facebook friends’ photos of home cooked food. Some days, browsing on Facebook is like being stuck at an awkward potluck lunch. On other days, I feel like I’m standing outside the club & I can’t get past the velvet rope. I don’t understand why would-be chefs insist on filling up my news feed with documentation of their dinner.
9. Photos of Fido
Only slightly less annoying are the ongoing photo streams of dogs. Yes, I understand that for some people, pets are replacements for children. No, I do not want to see them.
They say that no parent thinks that their own baby is ugly. This applies to pets as well.
8. Intense Emotion
Everyone has at least one over-the-top friend who posts on Facebook in lieu of attending a much-needed session with their therapist. Is it just me, or is it unsettling to constantly read status updates that declare:
“If this puppy yips at me again, I’m going to punt the damn chihuahua over the fence!!!”
In recent months, Facebook users have become so deluded that any picture with words on it is automatically funny. The bar for comedy has dropped so low, it’s embarrassing.
The Facebook world has become so comatose that lazy people no longer type out quotes. These days, they post photographs of quotes that someone else created.
I hope you feel motivated.
;
4. Pictures of Baby
Your New Mom friend won’t stop posting pictures of Baby.
Baby’s first bath. Baby’s first tooth. Baby sleeping. Look at how cute, how adorable, so sweet. Mommy’s precious dearest little baby. What an angel. Daddy and Baby. Neighbor and Baby. The mailman and Baby. And worst of all, Baby in the Womb.
Disastrously, Facebook has replaced the family photo album.
Save your friendship by installing Unbaby.me, which will remove babies from your newsfeed and replace them with stuff you actually want to see.
3. Everyone can see All of Your Pictures
If someone tags themselves in your photo, then all of *their* Facebook friends can see it.
Consider this: You upload a picture to Facebook. Your coworker friend tags herself in the picture. Facebook posts the picture on your friend’s profile. Your coworker friend happens to be Facebook friends with your boss. Now your boss is looking at a photo of you passed out in a stairwell from the night before you called in “sick” to work.
Protect Yourself. Turn on “Tag Review” under Timeline and Tagging in your Privacy Settings, so that you will at least be aware when your posts are being shared.
Most people agree: Facebook’s “force everyone to convert to Timeline in phases” campaign is not a good thing. Every day, millions of beloved Facebook profiles become casualties as they are hijacked by Timeline. Is there anyone out there who *does not* believe that this is the worst “improvement” yet?
Somebody please figure out how to undo Timeline.
1. It’s Impossible to Delete your Facebook Profile
Leaving Facebook is like quitting smoking. It is a tricky process that is not for the faint of heart. You must beat Facebook at its own game.
If you merely “deactivate” your Facebook account, you will still show up on your friends’ Friends Lists. In the event that you “reactivate” your account, your profile, friends, pictures, status updates, and everything else that you tried to forget will magically reappear. Just like nothing happened.
How to Escape: You can permanently delete your account here. Read the scary warning message and click “Delete My Account.” Do not log in for 14 days. Ignore that sexy button that taunts you on every webpage across the Internet. For 14 days, do not succumb to even one moment of weakness.
If you succeed, you will be ~free~. Good luck and Godspeed.
button that taunts you on every webpage across the Internet. For 14 days, do not succumb to even one moment of weakness.
RAEZYN 