My Jokes Aren’t Funny

My jokes aren’t funny.
When I perform them for people nobody laughs.
While I smile no one snickers, not even a grin.

I wrote a story that I thought was creative.
It wasn’t.
It was boring and the plot didn’t make sense.

I wrote a screenplay that I thought was hilarious.
I showed it to an actor who was perfect for the lead.
He dropped it in the shredder.

I gave a presentation.
Nobody listened.
A few people looked at their watches, others slept.

I wrote a poem. I thought it was clever.
My husband got mad when I recited it.
I was standing in front of the television
And my poem didn’t rhyme.

Did You Need Something?

If you want me to do something for you, only ask me once.

Do not call me, leave a voicemail, email me, and text me.  Do not send me an IM letting me know that you’re about to send me an email.  Don’t send me a text message asking if I listened to your voicemail.

Speaking of voicemail, don’t leave me a voicemail with the message “Hey, give me a call when you get a chance.”  I’m not going to call you back.  If I wanted to talk to you, I would have answered the phone when you called me.

Don’t call me several times over the course of a day and not leave me a message.  Clearly, I am screening your calls to determine whether or not taking your call will be a waste of my time.  State your purpose, and be brief with it.

It’s a surprisingly little known fact about Leos that the more you want us to do something, the less inclined we are to acquiesce to your request.

Yes, I am a Leo.

Speech Anxiety

I had to give a speech.

Which is a big deal for me because I’m shy. So shy, in fact that it surprises me that my few close friends stuck around long enough to get to know me. But I’m glad they did.

This was an important speech. A toast to my longtime best friend on her wedding day. I was nervous. As the Matron of Honor, I knew that my speech would be remembered for years to come. I wrote and rewrote my thoughts over and over again, asking myself, “is this joke funny or am I crazy?” Will I be met with awkward silence? Judgment? Boos?

And then the day came. I was to take the stage after the Best Man gave his toast. Dinner was served. I looked over at the Best Man and he was giving his note cards one last review. He ordered one last drink from the bar. And then my heart started beating hard in my chest. He was nervous. And that made me more nervous. What if everyone hated his speech? And that made them hate my speech even more?

The Best Man spoke. I barely heard him. Something about the groom. People clapped. We drank champagne. And then it was my turn.

The adrenaline was pumping so hard through my veins; I feared I would drop dead. And ruin their wedding day. The DJ smiled at me apologetically because he forgot my name. It’s okay, I remembered. I took the mike and introduced myself. My hands were shaking. I could barely read the note cards.

I started reading. Talking. I remembered why I was there on stage, to honor and make fun of my best friend.

And then something unexpected happened. People laughed.