Here is why today should be your last day on Facebook.
10. Culinary Artwork
“Just finished cooking and it looks delicious!”
Is this an invite to partake?
…Then why am I looking at it?!?
I cannot tolerate being forced to view my Facebook friends’ photos of home cooked food. Some days, browsing on Facebook is like being stuck at an awkward potluck lunch. On other days, I feel like I’m standing outside the club & I can’t get past the velvet rope. I don’t understand why would-be chefs insist on filling up my news feed with documentation of their dinner.
9. Photos of Fido
Only slightly less annoying are the ongoing photo streams of dogs. Yes, I understand that for some people, pets are replacements for children. No, I do not want to see them.
They say that no parent thinks that their own baby is ugly. This applies to pets as well.
8. Intense Emotion
Everyone has at least one over-the-top friend who posts on Facebook in lieu of attending a much-needed session with their therapist. Is it just me, or is it unsettling to constantly read status updates that declare:
“If this puppy yips at me again, I’m going to punt the damn chihuahua over the fence!!!”
“Unbelievable!!! I loathe bad customer service!”
And what about the people who “like” these statuses? What message are they trying to communicate?
“Yeah, it’d probably be a good idea if you just go ahead and kill yourself. And the dog.
Hint: Click through to your unstable friend’s profile and click that big ol’ Unfriend button.
7. Confrontational Political Posts
You shouldn’t discuss politics with friends. Or Facebook. Yet, we are constantly victimized by:
*Exaggerated Eye Roll* I love clicking through these posts to read the articles. Right before I report them as spam.
In recent months, Facebook users have become so deluded that any picture with words on it is automatically funny. The bar for comedy has dropped so low, it’s embarrassing.
Creepy little girl + burning building = funny?
I’m confused, and a little horrified.
5. Recycled Wisdom
The Facebook world has become so comatose that lazy people no longer type out quotes. These days, they post photographs of quotes that someone else created.
4. Pictures of Baby
Your New Mom friend won’t stop posting pictures of Baby.
Baby’s first bath. Baby’s first tooth. Baby sleeping. Look at how cute, how adorable, so sweet. Mommy’s precious dearest little baby. What an angel. Daddy and Baby. Neighbor and Baby. The mailman and Baby. And worst of all, Baby in the Womb.
Disastrously, Facebook has replaced the family photo album.
Save your friendship by installing Unbaby.me, which will remove babies from your newsfeed and replace them with stuff you actually want to see.
3. Everyone can see All of Your Pictures
If someone tags themselves in your photo, then all of *their* Facebook friends can see it.
Consider this: You upload a picture to Facebook. Your coworker friend tags herself in the picture. Facebook posts the picture on your friend’s profile. Your coworker friend happens to be Facebook friends with your boss. Now your boss is looking at a photo of you passed out in a stairwell from the night before you called in “sick” to work.
Protect Yourself. Turn on “Tag Review” under Timeline and Tagging in your Privacy Settings, so that you will at least be aware when your posts are being shared.
Most people agree: Facebook’s “force everyone to convert to Timeline in phases” campaign is not a good thing. Every day, millions of beloved Facebook profiles become casualties as they are hijacked by Timeline. Is there anyone out there who *does not* believe that this is the worst “improvement” yet?
Somebody please figure out how to undo Timeline.
1. It’s Impossible to Delete your Facebook Profile
Leaving Facebook is like quitting smoking. It is a tricky process that is not for the faint of heart. You must beat Facebook at its own game.
If you merely “deactivate” your Facebook account, you will still show up on your friends’ Friends Lists. In the event that you “reactivate” your account, your profile, friends, pictures, status updates, and everything else that you tried to forget will magically reappear. Just like nothing happened.
How to Escape: You can permanently delete your account here. Read the scary warning message and click “Delete My Account.” Do not log in for 14 days. Ignore that sexy button that taunts you on every webpage across the Internet. For 14 days, do not succumb to even one moment of weakness.
If you succeed, you will be ~free~. Good luck and Godspeed.
I’m too hot to be funny. This has brought me great distress as an aspiring comedian.
Some of the funniest humor is self-deprecating. If you want people to laugh, make fun of yourself. People find it hilarious when you bond with them over the mean things that they’re thinking about you.
I recently learned that comedy is truth and pain. If you were born with a big forehead or creepily small hands, all you have to do is talk about how much of a freak you are. Then your audience will stop staring at you and start laughing at (with?) you.
Unfortunately, I was not born with free comedic material. My complementary genes, good health and reasonable fashion sense will always put me at a disadvantage. It’s just not fair. My good looks don’t cause me pain in life, but they are a huge handicap on stage.
Nobody wants to laugh at the hot girl. Picture this: a 5’3″ tall man walks on stage and asks to have his mike lowered. Hilarious. Look at how comically short he is.
Now picture this: A gorgeous 5’3″ woman walks on stage and asks to have her mike lowered. People get annoyed. Women think, “I can’t believe she’s not wearing heels!”
Another example: an obviously overweight woman walks onstage and asks a guy in the front row if he’s going to eat that last cookie. Mean laughter ensues. I walk on stage and ask the same question. Awkward silence. Judgment. Maybe a “boo” or two.
Why do people find such entertainment in others’ pain? Maybe I could complain that I get hit on too often. Is that funny?
As a newlywed, I have spent the last year trying to housetrain my husband. Men think differently than women do. You’ve heard this before, but you don’t fully know this until you live with a man. I’m still in the experimentation phase with my husband, but I want to pass along some of what I have figured out so far to those less experienced wives out there on the brink of desperation.
Your husband will always have your best interests at heart, and he will try to make you happy, but sometimes he will forget the things you asked him to do or he just will not understand the things that annoy you. This is where training is needed.
You cannot train by nagging, yelling, crying, or withholding sex. These methods foster more resentment and frustration *for you* than understanding *for him.*
Some people will tell you that using positive reinforcement is the best way to train a man. I say, eh… doesn’t he have to do something right first in order for this method to work? I do not have time to sit around and wait for the moment when I can applaud my husband for wiping the crumbs off of the kitchen counter after he makes himself a sandwich. It is not going to happen.
One husband training technique that does work is posting signs around the house.
If your husband doesn’t understand what to do with his clothes after he wears them, put this sign on the laundry basket:
…And put this sign everywhere else:
Here’s a lifesaver for the living room, especially if you’re entertaining guests:
Are you tired of finding the TV remote in the refrigerator? Go ahead and post this sign in the kitchen where he can see it:
You may be thinking, ‘I don’t have enough time to make a bunch of specific signs!” If your husband is completely clueless, here is a versatile option that will apply to a myriad of situations:
Or, if you get really frustrated, this should *hopefully* get your message across: