I’m Too Hot to be Funny

I’m too hot to be funny. This has brought me great distress as an aspiring comedian.

Some of the funniest humor is self-deprecating. If you want people to laugh, make fun of yourself. People find it hilarious when you bond with them over the mean things that they’re thinking about you.

I recently learned that comedy is truth and pain. If you were born with a big forehead or creepily small hands, all you have to do is talk about how much of a freak you are. Then your audience will stop staring at you and start laughing at (with?) you.

Unfortunately, I was not born with free comedic material. My complementary genes, good health and reasonable fashion sense will always put me at a disadvantage. It’s just not fair. My good looks don’t cause me pain in life, but they are a huge handicap on stage.

“Laugh at Me”


Nobody wants to laugh at the hot girl. Picture this: a 5’3″ tall man walks on stage and asks to have his mike lowered. Hilarious. Look at how comically short he is.

Now picture this: A gorgeous 5’3″ woman walks on stage and asks to have her mike lowered. People get annoyed. Women think, “I can’t believe she’s not wearing heels!”

Another example: an obviously overweight woman walks onstage and asks a guy in the front row if he’s going to eat that last cookie. Mean laughter ensues. I walk on stage and ask the same question. Awkward silence. Judgment. Maybe a “boo” or two.

Why do people find such entertainment in others’ pain? Maybe I could complain that I get hit on too often. Is that funny?

My Jokes Aren’t Funny

My jokes aren’t funny.
When I perform them for people nobody laughs.
While I smile no one snickers, not even a grin.

I wrote a story that I thought was creative.
It wasn’t.
It was boring and the plot didn’t make sense.

I wrote a screenplay that I thought was hilarious.
I showed it to an actor who was perfect for the lead.
He dropped it in the shredder.

I gave a presentation.
Nobody listened.
A few people looked at their watches, others slept.

I wrote a poem. I thought it was clever.
My husband got mad when I recited it.
I was standing in front of the television
And my poem didn’t rhyme.