This is the longest workday eveeeer! I’m ready to run away. I packed up all my stuff.
Every time I get ready to make a break for it, my boss walks by. She doesn’t say anything – but there she is again. She must have a sixth sense for potential escapees or something.
8 hours is so long! It’s not fair. Being a grown-up sucks. Who invented the 40-hour work week?
Work would not be as painful if we had recess. Why don’t we have recess? Now our only options for freedom during the day are to either take extended bathroom breaks or develop a smoking habit. Neither of which are much fun. Has anyone ever really enjoyed bowel issues or lung cancer?
Plus, your coworkers will inevitably notice your extended absences from your desk.
If you try to cheat by taking extended lunches, you will have to stay in the office longer to make up for it. Took an hour and a half for lunch? Tack that extra 30 minutes onto the end of your workday. Otherwise, expect to see that money gone from your paycheck.
This is so bogus! Back in the day, if you “got lost” on the way back to the classroom from the school cafeteria, you didn’t have to stay a proportionate amount of extra time after class. Teachers did not care if you missed class.
Why is the office norm sitting at your desk pretending to work? Normal behavior should be skipping down the hallway singing. Recess for grown-ups.
Sometimes, I ponder whether I’m allergic to work. I tend to develop headaches and become irritable in the afternoon, probably because I don’t get paid naptime. Wtf??
If corporations modeled office rules after kindergarten classrooms, employees would be a lot happier. We’d get recess, naptime, playtime, milk & cookies, songs, occasional learning and friendships! Yay! What could be better?
To my fellow office sufferers:
Is it suspect if I post a standard “Out of Office” message on my email just in case I make it out of here? I wouldn’t say anything too obvious, just something like:
I am seriously considering killing my Facebook profile. I wrote an awesome post about why Facebook sucks last week. In addition to those reasons, every time I log in to Facebook I get depressed.
I can’t stop seeking unreciprocated revalidation from my so-called “friends.” Whenever I create a hilarious post on RAEZYN, I post the link to my Facebook page, expecting to receive ‘Likes’ and “ha ha, this is funny!” commentary. Consistently, days go by and at best I’ll receive one or two ‘Likes’ and maybe one comment.
I have over 300 Facebook friends. Are you telling me that two people out of 300 actually liked what I wrote?
While conducting research for my “Top Ten Reasons…” post I found several articles that describe the negative effect that Facebook has on your health & self-esteem. My Facebook friends are ridiculously self-centered and it bothers me. With all of the attention floating around on Facebook, there isn’t any available for me.
This was the last straw:
On Friday afternoon, I posted this status update, along with a link to the Kindle Author website:
Kindle Author : Reading :: Funny or Crazy? : Laughing
Get it??? Anyone? Anyone? …Bueller?
I found this post awesome for the following reasons:
Now here it is Sunday, two days later, and no one has liked or commented on it. 300 friends, 0 friends amused.
Why do I even bother?
I was initially inspired to write “Top Ten Reasons…” to passive-aggressively tell my Facebook friends that they were annoying and should stop sucking at life. Then I realized that since everyone has blocked me from their newsfeed, they probably wouldn’t get the message anyway.
So the best solution is probably just to abandon Facebook altogether.
Here is why today should be your last day on Facebook.
10. Culinary Artwork
“Just finished cooking and it looks delicious!”
Is this an invite to partake?
…Then why am I looking at it?!?
I cannot tolerate being forced to view my Facebook friends’ photos of home cooked food. Some days, browsing on Facebook is like being stuck at an awkward potluck lunch. On other days, I feel like I’m standing outside the club & I can’t get past the velvet rope. I don’t understand why would-be chefs insist on filling up my news feed with documentation of their dinner.
9. Photos of Fido
Only slightly less annoying are the ongoing photo streams of dogs. Yes, I understand that for some people, pets are replacements for children. No, I do not want to see them.
They say that no parent thinks that their own baby is ugly. This applies to pets as well.
8. Intense Emotion
Everyone has at least one over-the-top friend who posts on Facebook in lieu of attending a much-needed session with their therapist. Is it just me, or is it unsettling to constantly read status updates that declare:
“If this puppy yips at me again, I’m going to punt the damn chihuahua over the fence!!!”
“Unbelievable!!! I loathe bad customer service!”
And what about the people who “like” these statuses? What message are they trying to communicate?
“Yeah, it’d probably be a good idea if you just go ahead and kill yourself. And the dog.
Hint: Click through to your unstable friend’s profile and click that big ol’ Unfriend button.
7. Confrontational Political Posts
You shouldn’t discuss politics with friends. Or Facebook. Yet, we are constantly victimized by:
*Exaggerated Eye Roll* I love clicking through these posts to read the articles. Right before I report them as spam.
In recent months, Facebook users have become so deluded that any picture with words on it is automatically funny. The bar for comedy has dropped so low, it’s embarrassing.
Creepy little girl + burning building = funny?
I’m confused, and a little horrified.
5. Recycled Wisdom
The Facebook world has become so comatose that lazy people no longer type out quotes. These days, they post photographs of quotes that someone else created.
4. Pictures of Baby
Your New Mom friend won’t stop posting pictures of Baby.
Baby’s first bath. Baby’s first tooth. Baby sleeping. Look at how cute, how adorable, so sweet. Mommy’s precious dearest little baby. What an angel. Daddy and Baby. Neighbor and Baby. The mailman and Baby. And worst of all, Baby in the Womb.
Disastrously, Facebook has replaced the family photo album.
Save your friendship by installing Unbaby.me, which will remove babies from your newsfeed and replace them with stuff you actually want to see.
3. Everyone can see All of Your Pictures
If someone tags themselves in your photo, then all of *their* Facebook friends can see it.
Consider this: You upload a picture to Facebook. Your coworker friend tags herself in the picture. Facebook posts the picture on your friend’s profile. Your coworker friend happens to be Facebook friends with your boss. Now your boss is looking at a photo of you passed out in a stairwell from the night before you called in “sick” to work.
Protect Yourself. Turn on “Tag Review” under Timeline and Tagging in your Privacy Settings, so that you will at least be aware when your posts are being shared.
Most people agree: Facebook’s “force everyone to convert to Timeline in phases” campaign is not a good thing. Every day, millions of beloved Facebook profiles become casualties as they are hijacked by Timeline. Is there anyone out there who *does not* believe that this is the worst “improvement” yet?
Somebody please figure out how to undo Timeline.
1. It’s Impossible to Delete your Facebook Profile
Leaving Facebook is like quitting smoking. It is a tricky process that is not for the faint of heart. You must beat Facebook at its own game.
If you merely “deactivate” your Facebook account, you will still show up on your friends’ Friends Lists. In the event that you “reactivate” your account, your profile, friends, pictures, status updates, and everything else that you tried to forget will magically reappear. Just like nothing happened.
How to Escape: You can permanently delete your account here. Read the scary warning message and click “Delete My Account.” Do not log in for 14 days. Ignore that sexy button that taunts you on every webpage across the Internet. For 14 days, do not succumb to even one moment of weakness.
If you succeed, you will be ~free~. Good luck and Godspeed.
If you want me to do something for you, only ask me once.
Do not call me, leave a voicemail, email me, and text me. Do not send me an IM letting me know that you’re about to send me an email. Don’t send me a text message asking if I listened to your voicemail.
Speaking of voicemail, don’t leave me a voicemail with the message “Hey, give me a call when you get a chance.” I’m not going to call you back. If I wanted to talk to you, I would have answered the phone when you called me.
Don’t call me several times over the course of a day and not leave me a message. Clearly, I am screening your calls to determine whether or not taking your call will be a waste of my time. State your purpose, and be brief with it.
It’s a surprisingly little known fact about Leos that the more you want us to do something, the less inclined we are to acquiesce to your request.