Learn the Proper Words for your Private Parts

This delightful song teaches children the proper names for their private parts! Please enjoy this video clip “Proper Words,” from “Strong Kids, Safe Kids” (1984) starring Henry “The Fonz” Winkler.

The lyrics, just in case you need clarification:

Vulva. Is what girls have down below. Vulva, when she’s naked it will show. All girls have a vulva, so no matter what you’ve heard, remember that vulva, is the proper word.

Both boys and girls have breasts, each person recognizes. They’re found upon our chests, and grow to different sizes.

Our anus, is a useful thing indeed. The anus, gives relief in time of need. We all have an anus, so no matter what you’ve heard, remember that anus, is the proper word. So don’t be appalled, cause that’s what they’re called, and each of them’s a proper word!”

My Jokes Aren’t Funny

My jokes aren’t funny.
When I perform them for people nobody laughs.
While I smile no one snickers, not even a grin.

I wrote a story that I thought was creative.
It wasn’t.
It was boring and the plot didn’t make sense.

I wrote a screenplay that I thought was hilarious.
I showed it to an actor who was perfect for the lead.
He dropped it in the shredder.

I gave a presentation.
Nobody listened.
A few people looked at their watches, others slept.

I wrote a poem. I thought it was clever.
My husband got mad when I recited it.
I was standing in front of the television
And my poem didn’t rhyme.

“Julia,” A Story About A Spy

WHY did I write this crap????

Michelle
English Pd 6
11/21/98

Julia

I never knew you could do that with an ordinary paper clip! I watched in amazement as Julia bent the silver paper clip and shaped it into a round globe. The globe actually resembled the eukaryotes we learned about in biology, but no one else seemed to notice. A moment later, Julia had bent the clip back into its normal shape and her audience cheered. What really surprised me was Julia’s putting it into a casket which she placed in her minivan. Oh well, spies will be spies. Her Eskimo dog, Frisker, jumped out and ran over to me, knocking me over. “You’re off sides,” the football ref called from a nearby field. Anyway, Julia was on a mission: to find a chunk of moldy blue cheese. She had to travel to Russia and disguise herself as a sumo wrestler. Her story was that she was lost. Okay. Well I don’t really understand the relevance. Spies must be from a different planet. I watched as Julia confidently walked to her car and drove to the airport.

There once was a blond spy named Julia,
Had to go empty the basurea.
Travels to Russia,
Hope the sumos don’t crusha,
A crazy life she lives, Julia.

Furby!

Hasbro has decided to re-release Furby. You know Furby, the hamster/owl robot electronic toy that spoke gibberish in the late 90’s.

Furby is a good idea in concept. I remember how excited I was to receive a Furby. Then it started waking me up in the middle of the night with an ominous “Furby like you!”

I couldn’t turn Furby off. Couldn’t turn down the volume. Furby knew when I entered the room. Furby knew when I left. Furby was not a toy. Furby was watching me.

And. Now. Furby. Is. Back.

The toy that every kid in the 90’s wanted and later regretted. It is back in all its talking, watching, eating, annoying glory.

From the Walmart website:

“With a mind of its own, your new Hasbro FURBY will develop its personality based on how you play with it. It will dance to your favorite songs. Put it in a room with a few of its friends and they’ll interact with each other in all sorts of hilarious ways while speaking either English or the special FURBY language, FURBISH.”

Oh no.

The Purple 2012 Furby is kind of cute. But there’s no “OFF” switch.

Why is there no “OFF” switch.

Did You Need Something?

If you want me to do something for you, only ask me once.

Do not call me, leave a voicemail, email me, and text me. Do not send me an IM letting me know that you’re about to send me an email. Don’t send me a text message asking if I listened to your voicemail.

Speaking of voicemail, don’t leave me a voicemail with the message “Hey, give me a call when you get a chance.” I’m not going to call you back. If I wanted to talk to you, I would have answered the phone when you called me.

Don’t call me several times over the course of a day and not leave me a message. Clearly, I am screening your calls to determine whether or not taking your call will be a waste of my time. State your purpose, and be brief with it.

It’s a surprisingly little known fact about Leos that the more you want us to do something, the less inclined we are to acquiesce to your request.

Yes, I am a Leo.