Sit down and I’ll tell you a story. It’s a story about cheese.
Once upon a time, there was a piece of cheese. His name was Georgianofalugaped, but his friends called him Roberta. He was born on the mountain of Lampio to his parents Swiss and Provolone. Now, people had warned Swiss and Provolone about the dangers of breeding across species, but they were so in lust that they refused to listen to anyone. And so, Georgianofalugaped was born.
Georgianofalugaped wasn’t like all the other kids. While Bobby Joe and Carly Sue and all the other boys and girls rode in their red wagons during recess, Georgianofalugaped would sit on a plate with Bread and wait to be eaten. Nobody called him Roberta back then. Nobody called him at all.
One day during recess a new kid showed up. Butch Muthergunner from East West Virginia. He was the sweetest, politest bully you’d ever meet. Unless you’re a piece of cheese, that is. The moment he stepped onto the playground, he ran right up to Georgianofalugaped and Bread’s plate and glared down.
“I ain’t had my breakfast today!” he declared. And with that, he swallowed the two whole.
Life carried on as usual for weeks. Nobody noticed that Georgianofalugaped and Bread were missing. Well, Georgianofalugaped and Bread knew that they were missing, but they also knew that no one cared.
One day 5 years later, Bobby Joe looked up during a math test. “Where’s Roberta?” he wondered aloud, “She’s gonna miss the exam.” Nobody knew who he was talking about. The teacher thought he was trying to cheat somehow. Actually one person knew, but he was doing time
…s tables in the classroom next door. He smiled to himself.
This delightful song teaches children the proper names for their private parts! Please enjoy this video clip “Proper Words,” from “Strong Kids, Safe Kids” (1984) starring Henry “The Fonz” Winkler.
The lyrics, just in case you need clarification:
Vulva. Is what girls have down below. Vulva, when she’s naked it will show. All girls have a vulva, so no matter what you’ve heard, remember that vulva, is the proper word.
Both boys and girls have breasts, each person recognizes. They’re found upon our chests, and grow to different sizes.
Our anus, is a useful thing indeed. The anus, gives relief in time of need. We all have an anus, so no matter what you’ve heard, remember that anus, is the proper word. So don’t be appalled, cause that’s what they’re called, and each of them’s a proper word!”
I never knew you could do that with an ordinary paper clip! I watched in amazement as Julia bent the silver paper clip and shaped it into a round globe. The globe actually resembled the eukaryotes we learned about in biology, but no one else seemed to notice. A moment later, Julia had bent the clip back into its normal shape and her audience cheered. What really surprised me was Julia’s putting it into a casket which she placed in her minivan. Oh well, spies will be spies. Her Eskimo dog, Frisker, jumped out and ran over to me, knocking me over. “You’re off sides,” the football ref called from a nearby field. Anyway, Julia was on a mission: to find a chunk of moldy blue cheese. She had to travel to Russia and disguise herself as a sumo wrestler. Her story was that she was lost. Okay. Well I don’t really understand the relevance. Spies must be from a different planet. I watched as Julia confidently walked to her car and drove to the airport.
There once was a blond spy named Julia,
Had to go empty the basurea.
Travels to Russia,
Hope the sumos don’t crusha,
A crazy life she lives, Julia.